JULY 2008
Has anyone ever checked under the skirts of the Williams sisters to see if they have penises - or shall I say penii? And I mean a thorough check to make sure they're not tucking them. I demand a genitalia check! God damn it...I'd do the check myself if I didn't think I'd be impregnated. I'd end up squirting out mulattoes like a cat birthin' a big litter. Then the foster care system would be flooded with mulattoes. Is that what you want? Then don't push me because that's where this shanannigan is headed - the foster care system being flooded with my mulattoes! *Gibberish Alert* Someone called me "hostile" today and they said it as if they were tryingto not offend me. Offend me? Please! Much like the large black women who work at the post office and you can never tell if they will actually mail your package or throw it in the sewer, I wear my hostility proudly. And in addition to being hostile, I'm also agile - which means that I may give you a cheap shot to the chops, but I'll be in Alabama before you regain consciousness. So it's a combo that works for me. I'll offend you, but I move like a jungle cat. So chew on that punks. Hostile and agile baby!
JUNE 2008
This is a sample of what's happening on the ESPN message board after Boston destroyed the Lakers.
| Post #1: 10:46 pm | Quote | Report Violation |
|---|
Total Posts: 13
 | It's been an hour since the game ended and Kobe is loose in Boston and has already raped 3 people and 1 inanimate object and rubbed his pelvis on a fence. He's unstoppable! |
| Post #2: 10:49 pm | Quote | Report Violation |
|---|
Total Posts: 13
| ....and he went into an Arby's and came in the sauce vat. |
Anyone who thinks Kobe Bryant, aka the Newport Beach Predator, is in the same conversation as Michael Jordan should check out this site, www.kb24overrated.com . The statistics side by side will blow you away. This Bryant guy is a coachroach compared to MJ. If you face reality and look at the stats and still think he is comparable, then there's just no help for you. You must have Down's Syndrome, or SIDS, or be in the middle of a 2 year alcohol binge.
What ever happened to the days when rivers, lakes, and oceans were places where the law didn't apply? Where you could water ski with a martini in one hand, jump sharks like the Fonz, and drag race your fellow boater? Now, there are cops out on the waters left and right arresting people for drinking, speeding, and a bunch of other land laws. If I want to get drunk on the Chickahominy River and water ski straight into a buoy, isn't that my business? Beware my peeps: water horseplay is now being monitored by the man.
If you think you've gotten rid of Hillary, think again punks! She's still a U.S. senator and a major player. Not to mention the history she just made by being the first woman in our country to win the popular vote of a party for the presidential nomination (don't forget that she actually got more votes than Obama). HRC has now made it unremarkable for a woman to be President of the United States. In her words, "the highest glass ceiling now has about 18 million cracks in it". She has paved the way and has progressed the movement of the sisterhood, as has Obama progressed the movement of the brotherhood. Salud!
Come on! Check your egos and make it happen. Give the people what they want god damn it! This ticket would really piss off "the man". Black man + woman + Bill Clinton in the white house = shananigans and fun for all. Hillary could take over, Bill would have access to fresh interns and Obama could pimp out Air Force One.
MAY 2008 
+ 
= 
My former attorney actually said to me, "You seem to live in a fantasy world with your blog". I just stared at him and asked him if he understood SATIRE. Apparently, he did not. I then proceeded to shout, "You want to know what satire is? I'll show you satire" and I ripped open my blouse like a wild animal. Now, that last part was SATIRE, and if you don't get it, you probably shouldn't read here...lest you be frightened. And remember: satire is covered by the first amendment!
If the Celtics and Lakers make the finals, considering the gambling referee scandal and the questionable calls, it doesn't take a Mensa member to figure that the NBA is quite possibly as rigged as an Indian casino getting his reparations from the white man through stacked decks and computer chips. I guess we did kind of slaughter them, but how long do they get to run unregulated casinos? Give the Native Americans North Dakota, the African Americans can have South Dakota, I'll take Rhode Island and we'll all move on. Enough reparation talk.
+ 
=
Why can't the female LAPD officers be as cool, straight, and overtly shadier than the suspects as the gals on Reno911? Everytime I meet up with a lady LAPDer, I get hit on and tasered.
Obama, "Where da white women at?".......Is that racist?......
Hillary is right. Regardless of who you back, she's right when she says that misogynism is acceptable; while racism is unacceptable. It's still apparently okay to call a woman a bitch, while the "N" word has always been taboo in my lifetime. Here's what HRC had to say, "There should be equal treatment of the sexism and the racism when it raises its ugly head," Clinton told the Washington Post in an article . "It does seem as though the press at least is not as bothered by the incredible vitriol that has been engendered by the comments by people who are nothing but misogynists." 1984 Democratic vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro pointed to a New Hampshire Clinton rally during which a man in the audience displayed a sign saying "Iron my shirt." "Suppose somebody at that Barack Obama rally said 'Shine my shoes,'" Ferraro said. “The person would have been swamped by the media saying, ‘what, are you a racist?’ Hillary barely saw press on this. It is not only the Obama campaign. It is how the press has handled this." I imagine a lot of misogynists are simply threatened by the fact that the sisterhood has leveled the playing field, as are some white people threatened by the success of minorities. Only diffference is that the misogynists are allowed to be overt jackasses about it, while the racists have to bite their tongues lest they be shunned. I don't get it. We need Archie Bunker back to make light of the ignorance. It's getting too serious in here.
He was one funny racist, misogynistic character.
Should Hillary concede? I say not until they strike a deal for Obama to put her on the ticket. How else is he going to beat McCain in racist America? Having Hillary on the ticket would ensure 100% of the democratic vote, as well as stealing some of the republican female and minority vote. That would be enough to win. No more cat fighting. Unite my black brother and white sister! Hold hands at the Democratic National Convention with "Remember the Titans" on the screen in the background. I would tear up. And it would probably lead to more African-American interns in the White House......Bill would enjoy that! 
Look at the above picture. Remember Bill's cat, "Socks" and how Socks would run and jump on Bill's shoulders? Regardless of foreign policy, the economy, etc, I would vote for any woman who's married to a man who can get his cat to jump up on his shoulders.
Updated NBA playoff stuff: The bald spot in the back of Manu Ginobilli's head is driving me to drink (something is driving me to drink - I'll blame it on that). The Lakers were on the road for 4 days and during that time period, there were no sexual assualts in Newport Beach. Coincidence? I didn't see one black person in the crowd of 20,000 people in Utah. My attraction to Mulattos is well documented and I've just noticed how many there are in the league. Black father + white mother = a shifty point guard. That is why since Dwayne Wade is now a certified cougar hunter, it is imperative that we mate......I may have to spike his drink.
Can someone please explain to me why David Caruso is considered handsome in any way? It's got to be one of those fetishes like golden showers that I don't understand. 
Ode to Nixon.......by a drunken, belligerent poet: Where have you gone baby boy? You left me down here with a bunch of jackasses. If you run into god on the other side, give her a piece of my mind for taking you so soon. Give her a shot to the chops for separating us. Take her down Nix! Except if she's a big, black woman......that could be a problem. If that's the case, just hiss at her and urinate on her sofa when she turns her back. Urinating on god's sofa would prove our point.
+
=
. So the "D.C. Madam" committed suicide because authoritah says she did? I don't buy it for one second. This woman ran an escort service for all these white, wealthy men on Capital Hill and she had her client list full of senators, cabinet members, and family-value pushers. So she gets 4 years in prison and all the johns who used her service get nada. Then she turns up dead? And she turned up dead before she could testify against these high-powered johns? They say she hung herself, and earlier, one of her prostitutes who would have also testified hung herself too? How often do women hang themselves? Come on! This is some bullshit! It smells like a Dick Cheney hunting accident to me.
An average of two horses a day are killed in this country due to horse racing injuries, yet this "sport" continues to thrive. Where are the horse people? I know horse people are even more fanatical than dog people or cat people so why isn't there outrage? Y'all need to step up! Horses and ponies should be able to roam free like on Assateague Island in Maryland instead of being forced into that white slavery called horse racing. I have half a mind to go to Assateague and roam with them in protest, but ya know....I have stuff to do. And when the ponies make their annual pony swim across the Assateague Channel to Chincoteague Island, I couldn't keep up and I'd be mocked and taunted. And what if I did keep up? I could be one of the ponies sold at auction at Chincoteague. Then I could end up plowing a field on an Amish farm in Pennsylvania. The Amish don't have cable. Then what? There are no answers. Where is PETA in all of this?
I saw Joe Gibbs at one of his car races. I thought he left the Redskins to "be with his family". Some of those pit crew members had better be cousins and aunts or I'll have to declare shananigans. He is Joe Gibbs and gets a free pass and I love him, but I'd still have to declare a suspicious shananigan-like departure unless some of his pit crew are kin.
How do you keep your enemies from reading your website? I don't know, but I know you're out there.......ya bastards!
Is Kobe Bryant, a.k.a: the Newport Beach Predator, a.k.a: NBP, the most vile human being to ever win the NBA MVP award? Did Charles Manson ever play ball? I think he was more into music. And George W. played baseball. So I think we have our answer.
*Updated 06/08)* Others get the same vibe from this cat. This from Red Sox pitcher, Curt Shilling's blog: (Schilling's seat was about 10 feet away from the Laker Bench in Game 2 of the finals in Boston) Regarding Kobe Bryant :........."From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy b!tch at his teammates. Every TO he came to the bench pissed, and a few of them he went to other guys and yelled about something they weren't doing, or something they did wrong. No dialog about "hey let's go, let's get after it" or whatever. He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team. Then when they made what almost was a historic run in the 4th, during a TO, he got down on the floor and basically said 'Let's f'ing go, right now, right here" or something to that affect. I am not making this observation in a good or bad way, I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys, every time out it was high fives and "Hey nice work, let's get after it" or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game. Just weird to see another sport and how it all works. As a fan I was watching the whole thing, Kobe, his teammates and then the after effects of conversations. He'd yell at someone, make a point, or send a message, turn and walk away, and more than once the person on the other end would roll eyes or give a 'whatever dude' look"
Speaking of the NBA playoffs: I dub Gilbert Arenas, "The anti-Kobe Bryant". He is such a breath of fresh air. Self deprecating, likable, and doesn't speak out of his ass. Tony Parker has been impressive. Flopping has got to be penalized. The Spurs flop more than a soccer team. No one respects a flopper. I felt sorry for Steve Nash. Such a good guy, but it seemed like his age is catching up to him. Chris Paul is adorable. I just want to hold him. Word on the street is that Dwayne Wade is a cougar hunter. Ergo, I shall put on something slinky and "accidentally" bump into him. Hell, if he's dating Starr Jones, I'm putting my hat in the ring....the chase is on. Watching LeBron is starting to feel like watching Gretzky or Tiger. It's a treat.
APRIL 2008
RIP baby boy. Your mama loves ya.
I just watched an NBA playoff game where one of the announcers was female and one of the referees as well. It was so not an issue that I didn't even notice it for a long time. The movement has progressed. Carry on my sisters!
I would love to be an NFL ref, but I know I couldn't be impartial and I'd probably start to get belligerent by the 3rd quarter. Also, I think I'd throw the flag if someone looked at me the wrong way out of pure spite - like when Seinfeld bought that blazer but didn't like the saleman so he listed his reason for return as "spite". And an NFL play probably lasts about 7 seconds. That's too long for me to focus. I'd end up wandering off to the concourse for a snack like an autistic child chasing a piece of trash in a windstorm. Also, when it came time to use the mike to announce the penalty, although I'd try hard to resist, I'm pretty sure I'd use that air time to say really filthy things in Portuguese. So basically I'd be pretty bad at it, but bless my heart for considering it.
Enough with the infighting. Team up and take over the world.....and give Bill a cabinet position with not much responsibility so he has time to cat around. At least we'd be entertained for the next 8 years.
The good people of Pennsylvania have restored order for now. The movement continues. Oprah is saddened
...........................
Are you kidding me? Laker fans chanting "DUI" at Carmelo Anthony at Staples Center? Who cares about a DUI? Their own star settled a felony rape case out of court and they're going at someone for a DUI? I put the onus on Denver Nugget fans to retaliate when the Lakers come to Denver. You've got much better ammunition than a DUI. Be ruthless to protect your peep. And don't just chant, "Eagle Rock" or "rapist". Get graphic and nasty to a point where the network gets fined by the FCC and mothers are covering their children's ears......like that time I entertained at an Amish picnic. I remember when J.J. Reddick of Duke would play at Maryland, the fans would chant that they had sex with his mother - and that was the female fans. Not very creative or original, but it had a simplistic beauty to it.
Greatest play in the history of Redskins/Dallas? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUJWRu5lVwI
MARCH 2008
You realize that it is all Oprah's fault that Hillary and Billy the Kid won't be catting around the halls of the White House again. Her love and money and public endorsement of Obama took Hillary down. In the above photo, it appears as though they are about to fornicate in front of a bunch of white housewives. Why? I do not know. I truly don't know what happened after this photo was clicked, but public fornication in front of white housewives seems likely in my opinion. Of course, my opinion is a bit suspect.
The point is that Oprah is supposed to "empower" women, yet the first real chance at getting a woman in the White House and she backs her opponent. Suspicious!!! My sources have led me to believe that Oprah wants to remain the most powerful woman in the world. Ergo, she went to great lengths to make sure that Hillary did not surpass her by becoming our first female president.
If Obama beats Hillary out, as it seems is inevitable (thanks a lot Oprah!!!), I guess I'll vote for him because what's the alternative? But really, I can't see him as the leader of the free world. I don't see me or any other head of state taking orders from him. He seems like someone I (5'3, 110 lbs) could beat up. Now, on the other hand, if Hillary told me to do something, I'd jump. She'd kick my ass. She is Sheriff Andy Taylor, Obama is Barney Fife............and if I must be in the equation, I'll be Otis the Town Drunk. Remember when he wrestled with a goat in his cell? I too have been in that same exact scenario - not a story for public consumption!
FEBRUARY 2008
My tax money is going into finding out whether Roger Clemens took steroids? Note to Congress: Jimmy crack corn and I don't give a rat's ass. It was the steroid era. I imagine almost everyone took something so get over it and move on. A bunch of wealthy, white, old men holding these public lynchings and grandstanding (better known as "congressional hearings") is a load of crap. Another case of authoritahhhhh overstepping it's bounds.
Jim Zorn is the new Redskin head coach. Don't screw it up!
I shall reserve judgement of Jim Zorn until I see what he can do, but what worries me is that Daniel Snyder said he was immediately "smitten" with him and Danny Boy's taste is very suspect. Everyone knows that Joe Gibbs is the real daddy of Redskin Nation, but it feels like mama just remarried and now we have this step papa. Ergo, I cannot readily accept him, but you never know. Once in a while, you get a good step parent so we'll see.....
You cannot sit there and tell me that Obama doesn't look like a black Barney Fife.
As some of you know, I was victorious in my recent court battle . When I sat there on my own and got shredded by some jackass defense attorney, it just made me grow bigger ovaries, so I took this case on my shoulders and ended up being vindicated. My thanks to all of those who helped and testified and who's faith in me didn't waiver. In the words of a big, black woman in the South at a church picnic who just spotted the buffet table, "Praise Christ!".........
An example of how the truth doesn't seem to have any place in a court room and the ridiculousness of what some people try is as follows. Years back, this lunatic asked me how I got my material as a comedian. I replied, "To quote Seinfeld, 'I hear voices, but they're in French so I have to get a translator'". So this person tries to convince people that I hear voices and imagined all of the things they were convicted of doing. They even hired an "expert" to convince a judge of it. Nice try. Hell, I wish I heard voices- I'd be more entertained throughout the day.
One of these cats should just concede (probably him because she could kick his ass) because if they'd join forces, it would be a thing of beauty.
JANUARY 2008
|  | This man is driving me to drink.
|
Here's a great Sean Taylor tribute video. Better soak it in while you can cuz Danny Boy is trying to erase all links to the past.
How many Daniel Snyders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Lots! That's how frustrated I am. I'm turning into a hack. Let me get hackier. The NFL fined Snyder for violating the "conduct policy" by being a jackass. He has even interviewed Jesus Christ a couple of times, but felt like he lacked leadership qualities and would make a better coordinator instead of head coach. And for the Snyder camp to have possibly leaked to the press that Gregg Williams bad mouthed Joe Gibbs is so slimey and no one is buying that for a second. Williams probably wouldn't be his puppet, which is all he's looking for. If Danny consults me, I'd just tell him, enough with your shananigans! Hire Otis the Town Drunk and be done with it because I can't take it anymore. Remember that Andy Griffith episode where Otis drunkingly rode a cow thinking it was a horse? He could lead the team out of the tunnel that way.
Daniel Snyder has turned the Redskin search for a new coach into a mockery. He has completely disregarded the wishes of the players, Joe Gibbs, and the fans by alienating Gregg Williams and destroying the unity that was built by Gibbs and this current staff. Has Snyder made it embarrasing to be a Redskin fan? Must I now wear my burgandy and gold under the cloak of darkness? Having Tom Cruise in your booth is sad, but undoing the good vibe that Joe Gibbs brought back to the franchise is even sadder. I say dig up Jack Kent Cook, put a tie on his skeleton, and let him call the shots again. Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post lays the wood to Danny Boy in this article .
|  | Drunken belligerence should be encouraged. ![]() |
I am living in a PC world gone mad! ESPN's Dana Jacobson was "disciplined" by the network for mocking Catholicism....AT A ROAST! Apparently, she drunkingly threw some expletives in about Touchdown Jesus and Catholics AT A ROAST for her ESPN colleague. I've got major issues here.
1. It was a roast. You are supposed to be drunk, disrespectful, and belligerent. If you can't mock and taunt at a roast, where can you?
2. Since when do Catholics take themselves so seriously? I grew up Catholic and as I recall, all we did was drink and mock ourselves. It would appear to me that Dana Jacobson would fit right in.
3. Who was the humorless rat who squealed? What goes on at a roast should stay at a roast.
4. It's to a point where jokes are not allowed anymore because someone, somewhere will be offended. NEVER! NEVER, I SAY! God forbid that someone has a good time anymore. Should we just walk around like robots small talking? I'd rather be killed by one of those 1970's hitch hiker serial killers than small talk.
|  | FEAR THE TURTLE! |
Is the ethics code from the American Bar Association supposed to be satire?
I hate to take pleasure in others' pain, but seeing Terrell Owens cry today really gave me joy. Real joy. The kind of giddiness I feel when I watch Otis the Town Drunk let himself in and out of the cell on the Andy Griffith Show. Otis was from a time when alcoholism was funny. Why has alcoholism become a tragedy instead of a comedy? How in god's name can anyone find gin soaked whiskers unattractive? Perhaps, I am living in a world gone mad. What is funnier than a drunkard going into the wrong apartment and not realizing it for two days or going to the petting zoo and passing out in the goat pen? I'm not advocating ruining your life with the sauce, but come on. There's nothing funnier than seeing a drunk person harmlessly fall down. To not embrace Otis the Town Drunk and his shananigans is un-American and I'll have no part of it.
|  | Otis the Town Drunk He wore his gin soaked whiskers proudly.
|
. I have to say that I have matured and blossomed into quite a gal. The first time Joe Gibbs retired, I climbed under a desk and wept like a turtle. This time, my phone rang at 6am and I figured either someone was dead or Joe Gibbs had retired so I approached the phone like a cougar hunting a bunny, took the news like an adult, and reached for some Xanax...like an adult. Joe has earned the right to do whatever he wants. He is Jesus in burgandy and gold. Ergo, if he wants to leave to spend time with his family, that's ok.......but if I see him out and about, he had better be covered with grandkids and cousins and doing family stuff or my new found maturity may decrease.
Kissing Suzy Kolber did a great piece on what a Sean Taylor hating, holier than thou jackass Michael Wilbon is: www.kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/11/ask-michael-wilbon.html
The Redskins surreal ride into the playoffs came to a halt today. Talent seemingly overcame any alleged help from above. Now, Sean and my ulcer can rest in peace. Leading this team, that probably had no business really being in the playoffs, back after the funeral, further cements Joe's legend and Sean's place in Redskin lore. RIP 21.
A lot of fun has been poked at the Redskins since Sunday’s dismantling of the top seeded, hated Dallas Cowboys. Some of it is deserved because the Redskins are obviously completely insane in a rather delightful way and have taken D.C, Maryland, and Virginia with them on their 72-hour hold. And that’s why they are to be feared like no other team in the playoffs.
While other teams have advantages like talent, speed, skill and an entirely living secondary, we’ve got complete insanity. The sort of Mike Huckabee “God won me Iowa” type of insanity. Watch out Seattle, the nuthouse is coming to town. Take for instance this Washington Post article in the wake of last Sunday’s win:
In recent weeks players have talked about the strange circumstances that occurred -- a gale force wind in New York that blew a punt 20 extra yards, missed opponents field goals in which the wind blew the kicks wildly to one side, passes that seemed to hang in the air an extra second until Redskins could catch them -- and said they believed the deceased Sean Taylor was at work for them.
Not to mention nearly everyone on the team saying over and over “It’s not an accident we won by 21(Sean's #)!” including the overtly religious Joe Gibbs. This is a team that believes that giving up a late field goal is a sign that ghosts are helping them win. Its about as insane as you get.
But see that’s the thing, they really do believe it. Every good play they make is both for the memory of Sean Taylor and because of Sean Taylor’s ghostly hand. If Reed Doughty
got drunk and drove around the beltway, this team would have a séance and be completely convinced that Reed has been possessed by the ghost of Taylor.
While this sort of insanity is not healthy for humans, its extremely healthy as far as playing football goes. At this moment in time, the Redskins are invincible because they think they literally have a twelfth man with supernatural powers who is making plays. They think the weather is going for them, the bumps on the turf are for them and that giving up points is a sign from beyond the grave that they are going to win.
That’s why this has all the makings of a great story. How could Hollywood come up with anything greater? Evangelical coach leads a team whose best player was killed. A career backup QB leads the offense behind a line which has arguably lost their two best blockers yet still seem to be one of the best units in the league. The defense is led by a certifiably crazy CB who is
more associated with double headed dildos than football.
With the State Justice Department being as inept as a possum trying to split the atom and no help from my attorneys, and me taking a lot of uncalled for shots to the chops, I've decided to take my case into my own hands. In other words: it's on and the only advice I have to follow is my own. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Oh well. I was bound to eventually have to live in a country without an extradition treaty with the US so I might as well expedite the process. Whatever the case: P. Nixx shall no longer sit still for injustice - make a note!....
DECEMBER 2007
If anyone trash talks the above man, Joe Gibbs, they'll have to go through me. This man is a saint and after the way he's held the team together through Sean Taylor's murder, injuries, and all the heart breaking losses this year, win, lose, or draw, he is the man. If polygamy were legal in the state of Virginia, I would get down on my knee and offer both him and his lovely wife my hand in marriage. I think I speak for many in Redskin Nation when I say, "I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Joe". I actually declared my football season over about a month ago out of frustration. Now, Joe's leadership and Sean's guidance from above has had me drunkingly prancing about on Sundays again the last few weeks. At this point, when I look at Joe Gibbs, I see him wearing a robe and sandals with a beard and long hair turning water into wine. In fact, next time I see him, I shall simply hand him a jug of water, tell him I'm planning a cocktail party but I'm broke, so please do your thing. Help out a sister!
HAPPY FESTIVUS TO ALL!
As everyone knows, December 23 is Festivus. The holiday for the rest of us. It is that special day of the year when you gather your loved ones around the dining room table for the "Airing of Grievances". Frank Costanza likes to open with "I got a lot of problems with you people", while I prefer the old school Festivus opener of "I'd like to put all you people in a stationwagon and drive it over a cliff". Either works. Since most of my "loved ones" are either dead, in hiding, incarcerated, in rehab, living in countries that don't have an extradition treaty with the U.S, full of venom for me from past Festivus activity (some can't handle the "Airing of Grievances"), and generally spread about, the Festivus extravaganza may be weak.
The "Airing of Grievances" did indeed take place on Dec. 22 at my cushy lair (that is how I refer to my place in order to lure in gentleman callers). The highlights are as follows:
-We went through a case of wine so the "airing" got progressively more ridiculous.
-A Hillary/Obama debate erupted and someone was cut with a jagged wine bottle.
-An alcoholic who had been sober for 18 years began to drink. Why an alcoholic would choose to attend the airing is beyond me. In fact, if you're on any of those 12 steps, you'll end up being set back a step or two.
-LAPD came by but backed off when they realized it was simply the "Airing of Grievances" and the right to celebrate Festivus is non-negotiable. I was, however, a bit disappointed I didn't get tasered.
--One of my grievances was that I didn't care for mutes. This didn't cause an uproar because the only mute in attendance had no response.
-Someone had a grievance about world hunger and we threw him out of the house. You can't have a grievance that everyone agrees with or no shananigans occur and what is Festivus without shannanigans? Now, if he had been IN FAVOR of world hunger, that would have been more in the spirit of Festivus.
NOVEMBER 2007
Sean Taylor dead at 24. [April 1, 1983-November 27, 2007]
The scene at Redskins Park :
There is pain everywhere here after Sean Taylor, 24, died early this morning from gunshot wounds suffered during an invasion at his home in the Miami area. Taylor was in the prime of his career, in this his fourth NFL season. He was engaged to be married and leaves behind a daughter, Jackie, who is 18-months old, and an organization that will deeply mourn his passing for years to come.
The scene out at Redskins Park is grim. A single bouquet of white roses sits propped up against the doors to the main entrance of the facility. There are signs posted at the front desk here instructing players and staff that team chaplains and counselors will be available to assist them
The flags here were lowered to half-mast this morning, and a group of fans arrived very early, standing by Sean Taylor’s parking spot, marked with his No. 21, and they are now gathered at a field near the security gate here. A vigil was held in that field last night.
Everyone seems to be in shock. The last word before they went to sleep last night was that Sean had responded to a request to squeeze a doctor's hand and they were more optimistic. But then everyone awoke to this.
The D.C. area is a large city, but when it comes to the Redskins, it's like a small town. The players are embraced and adopted as our own. Sean was a fan favorite for his fierce hits and big heart and now he'll always be a Redskin.
…
“This is the worst imaginable tragedy,” owner Daniel Snyder said in a statement. “Our thoughts and prayers are with Sean’s family.”
 |
The quintessential Sean Taylor play: a vicious, semi-legal, out of bounds hit against Dallas. God love him!
Sean Taylor died during the night. The city and Redskin Nation are in shock. Rest in peace Sean. We love you, my brother. I hope you're laying some nasty hits on deceased Cowboys wherever you are.
All my thoughts today are with Sean Taylor. I don't pray very often, but I actually got on my knees today and prayed that he'd pull through. It's shocking. Redskin Nation loves Sean Taylor and has pulled together. No one is bothering with the debacle on the field now. It seems trivial. And what a judgemental jackass Michael Wilbon is for blaming Sean for getting gunned down in his own home because he "knows his type" and "he's associated with some bad people". Then I guess I deserve to be gunned down too because I've associated with Wilbon and he's as a f*cking douche. We're all pulling for you Sean. Hang in!
My football season is officially over. It has become too painful to watch the Redskins. If anyone mentions the word "football" to me, I will knock you out cold with a shot to the chops. I don't care if you're a nun, missionary, or just won the Nobel Peace Prize, I'll give you a shot to the chops.
This is my first Thanksgiving without my baby boy so I shall not partake in protest. Protest of a god who would perpetrate such bullshit upon the innocent. I doubt that me refusing to eat turkey and watch football is going to rattle the gods above, but I shall fast in Nixon's honor....I may require a snack at some point, but still, it's the principle here.
I don't give a possum's ass how athletically talented Terrell Owens is. I would rather lose every game than win with him on my team. Dallas fans are eating him up with a spoon right now, but the second things don't go his way, you'll see his true colors. If I could get past security at the stadium and blend in with the tile in the showers, I'd leap out and kick him in the groin.
We call ourselves the "leader of democracy", yet the only leaders we've ever had have been white, mostly WASP, mostly wealthy men. Even you unenlightened guys should be voting for Hillary because remember that she'll bring Bill along with her and he's one of your peeps. Is there a cooler cat out there than Bill Clinton? Hillary needs to dangle him out there to get some votes. The following is a list of countries who are presently have a woman in power. Ireland, New Zealand, Finland, The Philippines, Mozambique, Germany, Liberia, Chile, Switzerland, and India. Think about it: We're behind LIBERIA. They're probably still urinating in buckets over there. I went to one of my sista meetings (National Organization for Women, aka NOW) last night with good intentions. However, once the snack table ran dry, my ADD started kicking in. So I politely raised my paw and asked if at the end, are we going to talk about boys, play records, and brush each other's hair. A valid question......but I was, once again, rebuffed with great prejudice. Note to my sistas: it's ok to be hardcore and still snicker at ourselves. You know the rule. Women are allowed to be mocked by fellow gals and gay men. I fall somewhere in that category.
Joe Gibbs' "Christian Leadership" is giving me brittle teeth and an unshiney coat. The Redskin players talk about his "Christian Leadership" and I can no longer take it. From where I"m standing, "Christian Leadership" must mean blowing a 4th quarter lead, or leading someone straight into the sewer. My prancing and jigging on Sunday afternoons has come to a halt because of his "Christian Leadership" and if a gal cannot put on a Redskin thong on a lovely Sunday afternoon and prance and jig about, what kind of world am I living in?
Don't get me wrong: I love Joe Gibbs. I once made out with him against his will in an alley in Anaheim and if that isn't love, I don't know what is. I think every traffic circle in D.C should have a bronze statue of him and I'd kiss the feet of the statue at every opportunity, BUT.......it may be time to move on. All the Christian stuff has taken the passion and nastiness out of the Redskins and has left me unable to prance and jig about. Basically, Joe Gibbs' "Christian Leadership" has left me in the fetal position, wearing my Redskin thong, sipping Sebeka wine, and praying for Tony Romo's ACL to get shredded like a doctor's records right before she goes in front of Medical Board.
OCTOBER 2007
P. Nixx has taken a shot to the chops and is out of commission for the time being. Note to enemies: try to contain your joy.
Tom Brady is unstoppable on and off the field. He is throwing TD's and impregnating supermodels at a pace never seen before. There is only one logical solution: a suspicious accident tears his ACL. While he's sedated to have knee surgery, he's accidentally chemically castrated. I see no other solution. Speaking of QB's who need to be put down: why is Tony Romo still walking around? Someone plant some crack on him and call in the Feds.
C. Vivian Stringer, women's basketball coach at Rutgers, is the new queen of the movement for publicly calling Isiah Thomas "disgusting" for his remarks indicating that's it's acceptable for black men to call black women "bitches", but white men cannot. I for one would love to be present when any man calls a black woman a bitch just so I could see a knock-out. You don't mess with the sisters.
*UPDATE* C. Vivian Stringer was the queen of the movement for one day. She's out! Stringer apologized to Thomas one day later. Why? I smell some I'm looking to move up in the coaching ranks ass kissing. Even Al Sharpton came out against Thomas. Note to Stringer: grow some balls and stand up for your sistas. Note to Stringer II: Maybe you could send the Menendez boys apology notes as well. Note to Stringer III: Anyone who starts their name with an intial is suspect and prone to ass kissing and insane apologies.
Are the New England Patriots Nazis, North Koreans, or members of the Bush Administration? I cannot blame the players for this one. They're just puppets of the regime. The Patriots have subpeonaed and won a bid to get all the names from StubHub of everyone who bought and sold tickets to Patriots home games. They may use the info to cancel people's season tickets and report violators to the fuzz. Massachusetts state law (which is never enforced) prohibits a mark up of over $2 above face value. It's not enough that they're destroying every team they face. Now they're trying to get people locked up for nothing. Bastards!
I went to a PETA meeting recently and about 10 minutes in, my ADD kicked in so I politely raised my hand and inquired if since it is Halloween season, would it be acceptable to make my cat wear a cape. A valid question that I'm sure many people ponder, however I was rebuffed with great prejudice.
As I was channel surfing, I came across a trailer for a movie starring Richard Thomas (John Boy Walton) and Nancy McKeon (the lesbian on Facts of Life) and those painful 15 seconds made me want to hang myself.
While on MSNBC recently, Ann Coulter claimed the country would be better off if we were all Christian and that she would like to see "Jews perfected through Christianity". I have always claimed that Coulter is, indeed, the devil. I stand corrected - she is a narrow-minded, ignorant, anti-Semitic, hate-spewing beeotch. Free speech works both ways missy!
The Mormons are censoring me! I previously tried to use the word, "penis" on this site and was denied. I didn't understand. This is a medical term and I was simply discussing the pros and cons of it. Then I learned that this web site company is based in Utah and I smelled Joseph Smith's puritanical paw in this. Utah - the company might as well be based on a farm in Pennsylvania Dutch country (Those Amish farms in PA are where my mother would force me into the car when I was like 7 and drive hours to buy a pie. Apparently, they didn't sell pie in D.C. I digress, but those forced pie runs to Amish country left scars.) Bottom line is that I will not be stopped from using the word "penis". Not by the Mormons, the Amish, or a bunch of angry nuns in a station wagon. (The sisters are still angry from when I affixed a license plate frame to their wagon that said, "Poledancers and proud of it")
Cops! (This is to be pronounced the same way Seinfeld says "Newman"). Anyone arrested August 15 by the L.A. County Sheriff's Dept should know that neighboring sheriff's depts were having a "contest" that day to see who could arrest the most people. This is even worse than a quota. A CONTEST! L.A. coppers continue to make Barney Fife look like a highly decorated Navy Seal.
In college football, the most excrutiating QB's I've seen this year are: Ben Olsen of UCLA, Casey Dick of Arkansas, and Jimmy Clausen of Notre Dame. Bless their hearts. I'm sure they're nice fellas.
Detroit visits the nation's capital this Sunday (really, Landover, MD). The Lions have never won in D.C and are 0-20 against the Redskins there. However, the way things are going of late (my best friend just became a mute, my attorney is treating me like PETA treats Michael Vick, while leaping from a balcony my cape was ripped, I just had a gig cancelled due to "vermon infestation") makes me think I should watch the game with a bottle of whiskey at hand.
*UPDATE* I heard from the mute via email. That is proof of muteness. Only a mute would proclaim she's not a mute VIA EMAIL.
Anucha Browne Sanders is the new queen of the liberation movement. Set my people free! We're already quite free, but it adds some drama to the situation. Whether Isiah Thomas is truly a harasser or not, he is a creepy, smug little man. But what was an even more disturbing was his boss, MSG president, James Dolan. These are the two individuals running the NY Knicks - no wonder they stink. The new villian in the scenario is NBA Commisioner, David Stern. It is apparent that women don't add much to his coffers as he has decided not to suspend or fine Thomas. If a player throws a punch or smokes pot, he will get suspended, but a Federal jury found Thomas guilty of sexual harassment while acting in his role as coach of the Knicks and jimmy crack corn and Stern doesn't give a rat's ass. I'm on the case.
*UPDATE* Stephon Marbury, who testified in the case that he had sex with an intern, says that he shouldn't be judged on that because he became a born again Christian on June 29. Oh, o.k......."Your honor, I did indeed rob that bank, but since then, I've become a born again Christian". "Oh, I'm sorry we tasered you then..you're free to go". This just proves that the alien shaped huge head that Marbury has must be full of possum pie instead of gray matter. On an unrelated matter, as I was typing the words "possum pie", I found myself licking my chops.
I just saw an article that referred to Ricky Williams as the "disgraced running back". Is Ricky Williams disgraced? Did he do something nefarious? As far as I can recall, all he's ever done is smoke pot. I don't get it.
*UPDATE* The folks at SAFER (Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Recreation) have posted a billboard in Denver hoping Ricky Williams will come play for the Broncos.
SEPTEMBER 2007
Joe Gibbs' fervent christianity is killing my Redskins! Don't get me wrong: I love Joe Gibbs more than most. In fact, I once kissed him in an alley in Anaheim against his will. In fact, if he were standing next to Jesus and they were both calling me to come over in the way that you'd call a squirrel over in the park that you want to pet, I'd choose to run into Joe's arms. Sorry, but Jesus has never won a Super Bowl with Mark Rypien. That makes water into wine look like child's play. But I digress. Joe has gotten so Christian - hardcore Christian. He didn't want Earnhardt Jr. on his racing team because he endorsed Budweiser. It is my fear that this evangelical attitude is making the Redskins soft. How can you be all Christiany and want to rip the opponents head off? The linebackers should be trying to end Tony Romo's career; not help him up. I mean, I'm glad he's not an asshole like Parcells, but can you be too nice when it comes to football? I want players with bad intentions, while Gibbs wants "character" guys. At least we have Sean Taylor. While I'm at it, here's what else concerns me about the Redskins: I like Jason Campbell, but he seems too mechanical - afraid of making a mistake and lacking some fire. He too is quite Christiany - could be trouble. Ladell Betts is sharing time with Clinton Portis. Big Mistake! Clinton is a stud who needs lots of carries. Ladell goes down at first contact. A moth could tackle him. Portis has more heart. Play calling is unimaginative. If I'm sitting here knowing what the next play is, then the defense must know too because I'm an idiot. Santana Moss needs more touches. Kickoffs are landing at the 10 yard line. More pressure on the QB is desperately needed. I don't care if it backfires sometimes. Pressure is the key. I love you Joe, but on Sundays please let your players behave badly - not Terrell Owens jackass bad, but Lawrence Taylor rip someone's head off bad.
Oh, to be so lovely yet so bitter. I am offering a cool C-Note to anyone who can wipe the smug, arrogant smirks off the faces of Terrell Owens and Tony Romo. I don't want to know anything. Just do what you have to do and collect your cash. Am I bitter because the Redskins lost and Dallas won today? Perhaps. But, neither one these jackasses has ever won a Super Bowl. Romo has never even won a playoff game. In fact, the only playoff game he played in, he single handedly fumbled the game away. Yet they sit and smirk. Somebody step in....please....C-note.
*UPDATE* I received an offer to take out Romo's knees. I sadly had to decline because that's not good enough. Remember Nancy Kerrigan? She came back and won a medal. We can't risk a heroic return. Just look into Romo's shark-like eyes. He has no soul. I look into Romo's eyes and I see nothing but darkness.
I know some people are protesting for the Jena thing or the war, but I found a more egregious injustice. At Coors Fieldhouse at the University of Colorado, they have decided to stop selling alcohol during basketball games ONLY IN THE CHEAP SEATS! The people who sit in club level or sky boxes can get as wasted as they want, yet the poor must suffer even more. Poor people need to get drunk more than the privileged. Taxi drivers, coal miners, hobos, etc need alcohol more than those sitting in the sky boxes. Set my people free and send the beer man down into general admission damnit!
Who would you rather meet in a dark alley: O.J or the woman crazy enough to be his current girlfriend? This woman, who looks like Nicole and has been apparently seeing him for years, says "I'll be honest. He's not the best boyfriend in the world". Well, yeah, because he's always just a whisker away from killing you. We all have issues, but what kind of issues compel you to date O.J? The kind that aren't in any manual yet. The kind that are still being studied and kept under glass in Vienna.
O.J's defense for this latest alleged robbery (and he actually said this) was "I thought what happened in Vegas was supposed to stay in Vegas". Whether he's convicted or not, perhaps the Vegas tourism board should consider him for a spokesman gig. The Goldman's could use the money.
My only problem with the Redskins Monday night victory over Philly was that Jason Campbell thanked Jesus after the game and everyone knows that Jesus doesn't get involved until the playoffs. Until the playoffs, there's war and famine and stuff.
Stay tuned for "Adventures of a Superhero.....with a drinking problem" debuting soon. Excessive alcohol + a cape = shannanigans.
In a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll from June, 74% of Republican voters have a "favorable view of Bush's job performance". What?!? How is this possible? Who are these people? Did they make them shoot up before answering the question? This is the kind of statistic that can make me stroke out. In fact, my fingers are getting numb -possible stroke. I can no longer type...74%?!!!
Oprah is building "Leadership Academies for Girls", which is admirable, yet when a viable female candidate in Hillary finally runs for president, she staunchly backs her opponent (Obama). Is this a matter of choosing race over gender or does Oprah wish to remain the most powerful woman around? A female president of the free world would knock her down to #2.
Proposal: Once Bush is out of the White House and a hazmat team comes in to delouse the place, I say we get rid of that bullshit no travel to Cuba law and make Havana back into the hot spot it once was. Free-flowing booze, gambling, bands with large horn sections, Italians from New Jersey, women wearing feathers, etc. I, for one, have been itching to wear feathers..........and a cape.
AUGUST 2007
If Republicans are supposedly so chaste and puritanical, why do they have the most sex scandals? Senator Craig of Idaho was arrested on June 11 in the Minneapolis airport men's room after an undercover officer observed conduct that he said was "often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct." So if the white, wealthy, conservative, religious male has taken it upon himself to start arresting people for conduct that they think might lead to something they deem immoral, shackle me now. ps: Use of the "white, wealthy, conservative, religious male" card officially make this a tangent. Advise to ignore. Why do networks keep sticking holier-than-thou social commentators in the football booth to lecture us about serious non-football issues? If I want that, I'll watch CNN. Dennis Miller, Rush Limbaugh, and now they have Keith Olberman on NBC's Sunday Night Football. He went on to tell us how we are all wrong about Michael Vick. Why can't I just watch a game without being lectured? This is why I love John Madden. He just talks football and gibberash and that's all I want for those 3 hours. Olberman and cats of his ilk harsh me out.
I was recently dragged kicking and screaming to a Dodgers game. I didn't die of boredom only because I brought something to read and I happened to be situated near the beer man. Being at a baseball game just reminded me that I need speed, violence, collisions, torn ACL's, and brutality. Thank god it's almost football season.
I have no posse that I am aware of, yet I always somehow find myself in the middle of a group of large, black men. I don't understand it. I could be in a ladies room at an all-girls school in the middle of North Dakota and somehow I'd still manage to wander into the middle of a group of large, black men. It's quite perplexing.
If Michael Vick gets shanked in the chow line and no one hears him squeal, does it actually make a sound?
Interesting stats: The latest DBI (Davie-Brown Index) is out. The DBI is an independent index for marketers and agencies that determines a celebrity's ability to influence brand affinity and consumer purchase intent. Out of 870 celebrities, Michael J. Fox ranked 9th, Hank Aaron was 10th, and Bill Cosby was 11th. Whatever. This is more interesting: Barry Bonds ranked 829th, Snoop Dogg was 830, and Kobe Bryant was 831 out of 870. I get why Bonds and Bryant are ranked so low, but Snoop is so likable. I think he must make white America nervous. Note to housewives in Iowa: potheads are generally harmless. Don't be frightened.
The Michael Vick dilemma: I don't believe 90% of police reports, D.A statements, witness testimony, nuns, missionaries, etc. Police reports are some cops' view of things- a slanted view because they want charges filed and convictions. Much of the news is made up of police reports so is the news accurate? I don't know. But I digress. My point is that I try not to think someone is heinous unless I'm absolutely, O.J. like sure that something went down. The problem with Michael Vick is that he chose to pick on the weakest, most innocent, most precious part of our society so even if there's a decent chance that he tortured and executed dogs, I'm done with him. But I feel a bit judgemental about it, which alarms me. Cats and dogs have been elevated to family members in our society. And not just regular family members - those who can't defend themselves and totally depend upon us. So anyone who chooses to harm them is as low as you can go. He would have been better off pulling an alleged Ray Lewis (harming a human).
As a native Washingtonian and a Redskin, it is in my blood to hate Troy Aikman, yet sadly and much to my chagrin, I do not. Now that he is retired and of no threat to my peeps, I like him as an analyst for Fox. He's good. I wanted to despise him, but damn it, he's also very likable.
Hottest old-school t.v mom: Shirley Jones of the Partridge Family.....discuss....no, don't even discuss it. It's not debatable.
After watching the Redskins first preseason game against Tennessee, two thoughts come to mind and both are disturbing: 1. The first team offense has not scored a td in the last 5 preseason games. Jason Campbell played into the third quarter and couldn't get into the endzone. This is leading me to the conclusion that I may have to either suit up or throw Al Saunders head first out of the booth and start calling plays myself. Either way - it would end badly. 2. I may have to drink heavily on Sundays.
Jackass of the Month: the United States Air Force. In North Carolina, a 19-year-old female member of the Air Force was out partying with her fellow airmen. Everyone got drunk and she alleged that three of them sexually assualted her. They were initially charged with rape, but then the young woman said that she was under "enormous stress...due to the pressure of the judicial system" and didn't want to testify. (Wow, that's so rare. A rape victim being too freaked out and attacked by defense attorneys so she walks away. Please!) Anyway, the Air Force has now dropped charges against the men in question and have given them immunity to testify against HER for committing an indecent act! The Air Force, in all their misogynistic wisdom, have deemed that she is indecent and the three men are not. This makes me want to run out and buy a burka because obviously I am living in the Middle East. I'm actually surprised the Air Force isn't trying to make the woman marry her alleged attackers like they'd do in some little village in Jordan.
I know it's rare for opponents vying for the nomination of their perspective party to unite, but if Hillary and Obama joined forces on the same ticket, they'd be unstoppable. Once someone is firmly ahead, perhaps they should have a meet and greet and Bill could mediate. Obama has got to respect Bill Clinton. After all, he was the closest thing we've ever had to a black president.
If Tiger can't win the PGA Championship, I have to root for John Daly. Why is Daly so popular? He is so openly flawed. He's a big, fat, sloppy guy and an active alcoholic, addicted gambler, a bunch of ex-wives, and run-ins with the law. He represents America and doesn't apologize for who he is. It's beautiful. How can you not love this guy?
Unless you're Amish or something, since when did sex, drugs, and rock&roll become a negative thing?
Congrats to Barry Bonds. I don't care if you took every drug ever known to man and beast. 756 is still impressive.
South African golfer, Rory Sabbatini, is apparently not very bright. After Tiger beat him in a previous tournament, he publicly stated that "Tiger Woods is as beatable as ever". Sunday, at Bridgestone, Tiger went into the day one stroke behind Sabbatini and roared back to utterly destroy him and everyone else winning by 8 strokes. Taunting Tiger? That's like taunting Jordan or poking grizzlies with sticks. I don't know what the hell goes on in South Africa, but in the states, you can only trash talk if you can back it up. Losing by 8 strokes isn't backing up jack. Until you beat the lovely Tigre, shut your pie hole.
I gave my friend an old notebook to use and she pointed out to me the following scribbled on the back, "Canabolism, Clitoris, Jesus". This was a set list from a previous show I had done in Barstow. Now I see why those nuns got so snippy with me after the show. OK, fair enough......I had it coming.
Redskins Training Camp Report: Why is everyone making a big deal about Clinton Portis not practicing because of nagging injuries? I don't want Clinton Portis practicing. He would sell his first born to pick up that extra half yard so while he still has a breath left in him, I want him to save it for when it really counts. No practice. No errands. No public appearances. No sudden movements. No loud voices. In fact, I'd even like him to use a scooter to go from room to room in his house. And if I had the strength, I would personally carry him to and from the bathroom at night.......
Speaking of the Redskins upcoming season: I am happy to report that I have a new Redskins thong that I'm ready to prance around in on Sundays. Now, when the skins fumble and I run out into the street in horror, at least I won't look shabby. This was brought to my attention by my neighbors. Problem has been rectified .......................Note to self: Mark Brunell is still the back-up QB. Ergo, there's a chance he could enter the game due to injury. Ergo, watch all games with bottle of whiskey at hand.
JULY 2007
What the hell ever happened to Connie Chung? I used to love her. Where is she? I smell Maury Povich's hand in this! I am starting to feel compelled to picket the Maury Povich Show chanting "Free Connie" until she emerges from captivity. Join me citizens!
Attention Laker fans: what is it going to take for you to understand that no one wants to play with the Newport Beach Predator, aka Kobe Bryant. Kevin Garnett has a house in Malibu and still chose Boston over L.A....BOSTON! Even I wouldn't want to play in Boston and I'm white.
The people who are screaming racism over this Michael Vick thing need to chill. Even Al Sharpton is writing letters to the NFL and Nike asking them to dump Vick. And Emmitt Smith has Vick's back? What the hell? I have heard two commentators in the last two days say that they believe that Vick was involved in some way, but "HE'S NOT A BAD GUY". What? If he's electrocuting dogs.....he's a bad guy. If he's bankrolling others to do it.....he's a bad guy. Grow some balls people. If 1/100th of that indictment is true.....HE'S A BAD GUY! I'm the first to disbelieve the Feds (or local police for that matter), but there's too much here. He had to at least have knowledge of it.
Regarding the NBA ref-pointshaving-game fixing saga: of course it had to be a middle-aged, white guy from Philly who went to Catholic school.
You would have to put a gun to my head to get me to do the following things:
1. Watch a Mel Gibson movie
2. Watch a Tom Cruise movie
3. Watch a pitcher hit
4. Listen to Gary Sheffield bitch about racism and abuse for the 20th time. OK, we get it. Everyone is a racist and abuses you. You're a victim. Let's move on.
As a true American, soccer is, of course, not on my radar. However, I must say that David Beckham is a physically beautiful man. His wife, Victoria, though makes me want to shove a porkchop down her throat...or at least some skittles...anything. I'm pretty thin myself, but damn! She's 5 lbs away from some L.A. County attention seeking D.A. trying to get a court order to force a feeding tube into her.
How is it that China has been rewarded with hosting the Olympics? They treat human rights almost as bad as L.A. County jail. Giving them the Olympics sends the signal that the rest of the world doesn't care about all the executions and suppression of freedom.
Great Kobe hating joke from Jimmy Kimmel at the ESPY's: "There have been a lot of babies in sports this year. Tiger Woods had a baby girl, my co-host, LeBron James had a baby boy, and the Lakers still have Kobe". Now I would have continued with, "A lot of people don't know this but before Kobe was married, him and I used to date. But I broke up with him because I got sick and tired of always having to refill my pepper spray".
I hope Barry Bonds breaks the homerun record on the road, gets booed, and gives everyone the finger. I would direct the finger particularly at the press box for the way that writers have singled him out and ignored the other hundreds or even thousands who have allegedly taken steroids or whatever to help their performance. Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Mark McGuire, etc all get a free pass, but because Bonds has been the best of the steroid era, he gets all the crap. Back in the day, steroids were not a banned substance by MLB, so you're going to sit here and tell me that if you're a struggling minor leaguer and there are million dollar contracts within your grasp if only you can increase your production, you wouldn't be tempted? Please! It's quite easy to sit in judgement when you've never walked in those shoes and it's my guess that you 'd be shocked at who has taken things to enhance their performance. Hell, wave millions at me and I'll take whatever.
JUNE 2007
Is Ann Coulter the devil? I have never seen anyone without a tail and horns spew so much hatred. Discuss.....
Another cop gets away with attempted murder. Last year, a video of a San Bernandino sheriff's deputy shooting a defenseless individual as he followed the coppers order to "get up" was all over the news and caused outrage. However, as usual, the cop was acquitted even though the video clearly shows ridiculously criminal behavior. Why aren't there riots ala the Rodney King verdict? In this case, the cop was black and the victim was Latino. Do the abusive cops have to be white for people to care? Discuss.....
I shall no longer sugar coat it: Michael Vick is a sadistic, animal killin' bastard. Now, in addition to his alleged hobby of dog torturing, he is purchasing land in Virginia for the purpose of deer hunting. I guess all those dead dogs in his back yard didn't quench his thirst for blood. I wish this guy would go jogging alone in the Santa Monica mountains during cougar season..... ..while on his period.......with raw meat hanging out of his pockets.
If Paris Hilton thinks that she had it rough and her experience at an L.A. County jail was typical, she's out of her mind. Was she in the general population? Was she given a public defender who doesn't give a rat's ass about her? Was she shackled to some 5'11 beast who kept grabbing her ass? Was she shanked in the chow line? Was she mocked and humiliated by the guards? Did a bearded woman send her girlfriend over to tell her that she is attracted to her? No! I rest my case.
I like Nancy Grace (Court TV, CNN). She is an angry woman and I find that quite fetching. She reminds me of Elaine Benes (Seinfeld) in that she's ready to go off at any moment. If I ever bump into her, I want to poke her with a stick, sit back, and watch her go off at me. I find her constant rage quite entertaining. Every society needs a Nancy Grace to remind everyone of injustice and get all worked up for us.
If that recent video of Kobe Bryant, aka the Newport Beach Predator, doesn't confirm that he's a back-stabbing douche, then you'll never believe it. That's where him and LeBron differ: LeBron treats his teammates as brothers; the predator treats them as disposable servants. I don't think it's possible for a human being to be that big of an arrogant jackass and that is why I think that Mr. Bryant may have made some sort of deal with the devil. Far fetched...yes, but follow me here. It's very possible. When he first came into the league, perhaps Satan approached him and proposed that he'd win 3 titles before he turned 26.....in exchange for his soul. Ergo, his soul is now owned by the prince of darkness. That is the only way I can explain how someone can act the way he does. Discuss....
Hillary and Bill are now sketch comedians! Did you see the Clintons doing a spoof on the Sopranos? Brilliant! Horrible if they were comedians, but brilliant of them to step out of that controlled political box of theirs.
I've worn Nike since I was a kid, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. They just refused the Humane Society's request to stop using Michael Vick as a spokesperson. How many dogs does this guy have to allegedly torture before they drop him? To me, this tells some 10-year-old boy somewhere who looks up to Vick that it's OK to mistreat animals. Nike presumes he is innocent until convicted. Does Nike understand that with his money, he can buy a dream team of attorneys and an acquittal. If Nike doesn't use it's own judgement and waits for some star struck jury, then they might as well sign O.J. He wasn't convicted. And when he's not being a jackass, Kobe Bryant is free....that would leave about two days a month.
The smirk on Dodger 2nd basemen/redneck Jeff Kent's face makes me want to push him in a ditch. Why is that? He has that "I'm O.J and I got away with murder" smirk. It's the same smirk I had when the nuns questioned me about their missing station wagon and I reeked of that station wagon scent.
A shout out to my favorite Marine, Charly Mabry, who is in Iraq keeping a burka off my and my fellow sister's backs.
Duke Lacrosse Rape Case D.A. Disbarred! Meow! So Mike Nifong had his law license revoked in North Carolina. With the glare of the media that isn't usually present during ethics hearings, they pretty much had to do it. Not that he didn't deserve it, but you can't tell me that most D.A's and attorneys in general don't do similar things. They said that Nifong was "looking for any evidence to link a lacrosse player to the accuser's story in order to support his initial comments that he was sure an attack occurred". Note to those of you who've never dealt with a D.A: this is what they do; they make accusations and then seek anything that backs up their assertions - sometimes ignoring evidence to the contrary. If they spend tons of time and resources saying one thing and then find out they were wrong, they look stupid. Nifong didn't get away with it for one reason: money. The lacrosse players had highly paid defense attorneys who did a good job. However, it is my bet that this goes on every day with D.A's and defendants without rich parents often go down.
I've finally hit it big enough to have my own bodyguard.....sort of. As a witness for the state against a rather heinous individual, the government has assigned someone to stay close to me and to keep certain people at bay. I hope my bodyguard turns out to be a large, African-American woman who gives everyone attitude and moves her head back and forth. No one would dare penetrate that.
NBA Finals notes:
-Does anyone outside of San Antonio actually like the Spurs? I can't imagine that. I'll give them credit because they're good, but they are some dirty, flopping, whining bastards.
-The first two games made me feel bad for LeBron. Is it possible to feel bad for someone who's about to have his own casino built into his new mansion?
-Note to Daniel Gibson: Any large, black man who is secure enough to go by the nickname, Boobie, is OK with me.
-Worst finals ever. Cleveland's offense was the most frightening thing I've seen since Suzanne Sommers' "She's the Sheriff".
I have been bitching for years about the justice system being two-tiered with one tier having a greenish hue. Now, L.A. County Sheriff Lee Baca, in one of the most obvious displays I've ever seen, shows everyone that our system is indeed based on money. I don't even blame Paris Hilton. Who wouldn't do everything in their power to stay out of jail? Baca claimed that "90% of the inmates at L.A. County Jail are serious felons". I guess he considers drug addicts and people with no money for bail or an attorney to be "serious felons". And he claimed he sent her home because of her "mental problems". Note to self: next time I get arrested, just act mentally ill. They'll just send me home. OK, I concur with Baca in that mentally ill people don't belong in jail unless they are a threat to the public. So does that mean that he is going to release the other 5,000 off-balanced inmates in county? Baca is an elected official, which makes me wonder how much the Hiltons contributed to his campaign. People of L.A.: let's remember this cat's name when he's asking us to re-elect him.
MAY 2007
Listening to Gary Sheffield speak makes me think that Major League Baseball should stop drafting players straight out of high school or at least make them read books in between innings.
I would start a franchise with Lebron James. He has taken a really bad Cleveland team to the Eastern finals averaging 24 pts, 9 rebs, and 8 assists
+
= 
